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Funny quotes from famous people

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  • Funny quotes from famous people

    I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
    - Eleanor Roosevelt
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    Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
    - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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    Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
    - Mark Twain
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    The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
    - George Burns
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    Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
    - Victor Borge
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    Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
    - Mark Twain
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    By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
    - Socrates
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    I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
    - Groucho Marx
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    My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
    - Jimmy Durante
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    I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
    - Zsa Zsa Gabor
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    Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
    - Alex Levine
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    My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
    - Rodney Dangerfield
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    Money can't buy you happiness ...... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
    - Spike Milligan
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    Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
    - Joe Namath
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    I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
    - Bob Hope
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    I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
    - W. C. Fields
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    We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
    - Will Rogers
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    Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
    - Winston Churchill
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    Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
    - Phyllis Diller
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    By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
    - Billy Crystal
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    And the cardiologist' s diet: -
    If it tastes good, spit it out.


    May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
    may nothing but happiness come through your door.
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