In love with a Berber

[JolienLeonie]

I have a relationship with a Berber. His family lives in the Atlas mountains, he lives in Marrakech. Everything is going fine between us although sometimes I have some doubts.
My family and Friends have warned me that he maybe goes in disguise to get what he wants.
So I started to read a lot about this culture and on fórums to see what other people may have been through and this even scares me more.
I'm going back soon to visit him and he asked me to bring some pair of shoes ...
Please can somebody give advise?

[Sanmarie]

Hi Jolene

Quite a dilemma you have!

What is it exactly that scares you?

I've found that making a list of good and bad things about a situation, relationship or decision to be made can be very helpful.

Have you tried doing that?

Personally, I have found that being single is far, far better than being in a bad relationship. But, of course, only you can decide if this is a bad relationship. Don't ignore your instincts.

Let us know how it goes.

All the very best to you!

[JolienLeonie]

Hi Sanmarie

Recently I've seen a documentary about North African people, en general, and what I've seen there terrifies me the most.
They said that they only want you for your money, that is has nothing to do with love.
That once they have what they want they drop you or in case that you are married you will be like a slave to them and being hit by them.
In the case of being hit he told me he would never do that because he doesn't want that somebody else hits his mother as well.
Although everything is going well I'm still doubting if what he says is it real or is it just a game he plays.
I really want to find out if he is one of those because I really love him but don't want to be in this situation that he will have all control over my life .. although I have no idea how to do it.

I have to tell you as well that he is always very sweet to me and he's very protective.
His family loves me.

I'm really stuck between the things I've seen and Heard and my feelings for him.
Maybe I should try to make a list of the good and the bad, thank you for that .

[Sanmarie]

Horror stories have more appeal to the public and so the documentary may have focused on this, but the truth is there are abusive men in every culture all over the world (and some abusive women too). The important thing for any woman anywhere (IMHO) is to have a support system. Do not be isolated from your family and friends.

Did the documentary show any successful relationships?

Of course, if you are from a different cultural and/or religious background, there are huge obstacles to overcome.

And it is a fact that women are viewed as lesser beings (and even as property) in North Africa. For example, a Moroccan law which allowed rapists to get away with their crime if they married their victim was only recently scrapped - http://www.morocco.com/forums/morocc...tml#post301267 -- can you imagine being in that position? Many women (we don't know how many) couldn't deal with it and killed themselves. But this does give some insight into how women are viewed by men in the country and it seems that this attitude accepted by the majority of the population as this practice continued. Even today there are insufficient laws to protect rape victims.

Are you going to Marrakech to visit him, or to his home in the Atlas Mountains? Are you going alone?

Please be careful.

BTW why has he asked for shoes?

(Sorry for all the questions - just trying to understand what your situation is)

[JolienLeonie]

The documentary didn't reveal any positive things, they only focussed on the negative things.
To be honest I won't manage to be in this position .
I'm going back to visit him next week. And yes I will go alone.
We probably go back to the mountains to visit his family.
But after seeing and hearing all of this it frightens me a Little.

He asked to bring shoes because he assumes that shoes are cheaper here than in Morocco which I doubt.
Just because he asked me to bring things that makes me think that he just wants to be with me because of the money, although he says it isn't true.

[Sanmarie]

Although you have some very valid reservations, it seems that you have decided to go anyway.

But at least you are going with your eyes open and this will help you to decide one way or another if this man is for you. Seeing how the family interacts with one another can be a good thing. How he treats his mother and sisters (if he has any) can provide some insight into his upbringing and values.

Of course it is a good idea to let your family and friends know exactly where you are at all times.

The shoes thing seems a bit odd, but it would be more of a concern, I think, if he were asking you to bring expensive electronic goods, or something along those lines.

Anyway, these are just my thoughts - I hope they are helpful to you.

I wish you well with your adventure. Be safe and enjoy the experience.

[JolienLeonie]

The reason why I go back in in the first place to see to see him again and secondly to see with my own eyes if I recognize some of the things I've read and Heard.
And as you said I definitely go with my eyes wide open.
I think for me this will be easier to decide what to do.

This family thing I've met his family already and they all are very carefull to each other. He gives hugs and kisses to his mother, tells her that he loves her. He treats his brothers and sisters the same way, always willing to help them. There are also a lot of Little children in his family he plays with them like they are is own kids and they seem to like him a lot.

But anyway thanks a lot of your words and visión, they were and still are a great help to me