Am Afraid of the Outside

[freemocy]

you've got to make the break
they always say
don't remain alone - leave home
rub up against the world a bit
real life is just outside

but should I get involved with you
you'd only take me into you
and I'd find I was not me any more
only alone am I myself
my own thoughts, my own inclinations,
not a fumbling composite of my own and your desire

the modern world's a juggernaut
designed to crush
I can hear the crunch of wheels -
constant warfare and those terror bombs
such fragmentation and despair
where even God is like an ostrich
hiding his head from all horrible things

I'm afraid to move outside myself -
where every step is a stumble
outside in the crowd, I fear I am as nothing,
my self lost - like straw in a whirlpool

I am afraid of the outside -
alone, my mind turns on itself
my eyes look inward for what they have to see
my staircase I fill with ivy
and viscious rose-boughs make it quite impassable
I want no companion but my own shadow

I am afraid of the outside -
alone I have such splendid moments
but I remain the chrysalis out of which never bursts
a radiant butterfly

[freemocy]

She walks along this lonely street
no one to dry her tears
massage her tired feet
or calm ever present fears

Seeing life through tainted heart
making everything gray
Alone, her life, anew to start
Always searching for a way

But life goes on no matter what
That fact she cannot quell
Memories ne'er to be forgot
Within her heart they dwell

So she keeps walking this lonely street
Keeps searching to find her way
Every night she lies down to sleep
And prays tomorrow's a better day

[freemocy]

You are like the diamond
You glimmer and glow
And shine so brightly
Some, like me, draw close
To feel your warmth, your heat
Only to find none

You are like the diamond
You are bright and strong
But you have no warmth, or love
It's a terrible game
To play with people's hearts
Like mine

You are like the diamond
You will last longer than most
But you will have no love
No warmth to back up that bright light
So what kind of life will it be?
Besides long?

Will you regret it someday?
Regret being so much like the diamond
Regret being so cold
And look for me
A find me gone?
Can I ever leave?

No, I can never leave you
I am drawn to this cold light
This false sense of warmth you give
I keep wishing and hoping
That someday, you will give warmth
But, this will never be

Diamonds last forever

Six FREE things you can do with this poem

[freemocy]

To Watch You Leaving . . .

is to know such pain, it's jagged edges tearing into my soul. As a stake from the garden tears into the warm, dark earth.

To Watch You Leaving . . .

knowing all the while that never again will I fit myself, warm with sleep, against your solid back.

Nor hear your steady breathing. Or feel the beating of your heart.

To Watch You Leaving . . .

aware in every moment of every day that my dreams, my future; once tied with silken ribbons to yours, will never come to be.

And the mornings once so silent and hopeful, us gazing at the mountains and so gently awaiting forever - are now but small pieces of my past.

To Watch You Leaving . . .

your heart a tight fist of anger and your dry eyes betraying nothing of you. I cry for both of us, my love, because you will not.

To Watch You Leaving . . .

is to know that I've lost my place on this earth. My station. My heart's home. That I will wander, forever a nomad. Alone and afraid. And in my troubled dreams watch you leave, again and again.

For the balance of my days.