I can not believe I am back

[lonelyarab]

It has been long time since I was here....it is a bit around 4 years now...I am getting older and a bit wiser....I had many disappointments and few successes. Life has never been easy on me....I had few love adventures that did not last. I had become closer to my family and become more peaceful in accepting who I am...

The drastic change is that I have become an atheist....I believe in no god or religion, although I am fully aware of my rich Islamic and Arab background.

I am more settled in my life ...I realized that I have few demons that I need to harness but to no avail....I have few addictions that it hurts me and my family life ....how can I get rid off the addiction that brings me sense of calmness and serenity.

I realized that I have no friends ...I discovered that I don’t trust people easily or never trusted anyone fully.

I am fine with the way I am ...I live for my kids ....I am not ashamed of who I am , although many people around me would love the opportunity to jump and gang over me.

I am back because I want to vent out in a bit anonymous status. I am here because I love Morocco, moroccan food and to some extent Moroccan women ....I am from Algerian background....but born and raised in Medina Saudi Arabia.

I feel a bit sad that I don’t have long term friendships....I am, however, thankful for where I reached in my career life.

I am looking for people to interact with here ....I am sure I will not make lasting friendships since that it has been the trend in my life.

I lived in America for a number of years. It had a great impact on my outlook on life and my behaviors...in my old age; I am content with my Arabic and Islamic roots even though I have no desire to practice Islam or any other religion ever again. Nevertheless, I believe in the power of meditation and secular form of spiritual practice…It is spirituality of here and now …Nothing about the life after and its mythical pleasures.

I wish I have people whom I could hang around on semi-regular basis. It is sort of the American style of people gathering for a certain purpose or sharing certain interests and then they go their own ways.

I don’t expect much from being here. I will take it as it comes.

[lonelyarab]

It is only hollow words and pompous spirit that drives us. It boils down to actions and what happen in our daily real interaction that determines what and to what extent we live up to our ideals and dreams. It is not the words uttered that make us closer to each other. It is not the faint promise that is given in a distant past. It is how we live up to the dream and how we measure ourselves up to that standard.

Having said that, I see myself way short of matching my dreams and ideals...I am advancing in age and spirit. Nothing stops me from settling for less. I am content with who I am.

With regards to trust, I can assure you that I have no trust to no one. It is a sad assertion. It is a tragic state of affairs. Look at my back... you will see many wounds ...many stabs...many painful memories. It is sad to say that the worst wounds had been inflected upon me by most trustworthy people I had in my past. Call me a fool....call me a gullible....I am who I am.

My solace and comfort don’t come from pseudo half believable assurances... I have had many of those. My drive to go on, albeit with bitterness and fury, is to believe deep inside me that I am worthy of realizing that I am in command of my own destiny. I live with the spirit of the saying that "“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall”.

I can move on alone. I can sing songs of loneliness in world filled with emptiness and loss. It is much easier than having to endure another episode of pain from the same source. It would be insane to have been hurt from the same source and you go again to get hurt again.

Oh my tormented soul, peace be upon you. I see myself a victim of no one but I so filled with pride to turn away and not look back to those who hurt me most. You may join me with afresh outlook of how we become and what we have come from. Hurt and disillusionment of the same source will not be accepted ever again.

[Malik]

Ahlan
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