New terms in work contract.

[Arwen]

Dress Code.

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

[Emgee]

Having worked in a corporate environment for ... oh, much longer than I would care to admit.... I really enjoyed this joke.
Another rule that you may want to add: Employees may not have any operations to remove any body parts, such as appendix, tonsils etc... We hired you with all your bits and pieces intact and removal of any will result in a reduction in pay.

[Arwen]

Originally Posted by Emgee

Having worked in a corporate environment for ... oh, much longer than I would care to admit.... I really enjoyed this joke.
Another rule that you may want to add: Employees may not have any operations to remove any body parts, such as appendix, tonsils etc... We hired you with all your bits and pieces intact and removal of any will result in a reduction in pay.

Hi Emgee, I like this, next time I use this joke, I shall add this line. If you have no objection of course.

[Emgee]

Hi Arwen, I'm honored that you would like to use my joke (well, actually its not mine as such). Here's another (philosophical) one...
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish... and you give him an excuse to sit around on a boat all day swigging beer...